Today's Heartlift with Janell
Sometimes the story we tell ourselves is not really true. Sometimes the story others tell about us is not really true. On "Today's Heartlift with Janell," Author, Trauma-informed, board-certified marriage and family specialist, and Professional Heartlifter, Janell Rardon, opens conversations about how emotional health and mental fitness effects absolutely every area of our lives. When we possess and practice healthy, strong, resilient emotional health practices, life is so much better. Read Janell's newest book, "Stronger Every Day: 9 Tools for an Emotionally Healthy You."
Today's Heartlift with Janell
298. Embracing Sacred Scars: Finding Healing and Strength with Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Have you ever considered the stories etched into your skin and heart as sacred testimonies? Dr. Michelle Bengtson joins us to explore the concept of "sacred scars," emphasizing how they reflect our healing journey and God's grace. Through personal anecdotes and poignant reflections, we examine how physical and emotional wounds remind us of resilience and divine love. Dr. Bengtson invites listeners to embrace these scars, viewing them not as mere remnants of past pain but as symbols of transformation and strength found through faith.
Visit Dr. Michell's website: Sacred Scars
Begin Your Heartlifter's Journey:
- Visit and subscribe to Heartlift Central on Substack. This is our new online coaching center and meeting place for Heartlifters worldwide.
- Join the Advent Glimmering Hunt and download your Advent Glimmers PDF: HEARTLIFT CENTRAL
- Meet me on Instagram: @janellrardon
- Leave a review and rate the podcast: WRITE A REVIEW
- Learn more about my books and work: Janell Rardon
- Make a tax-deductible donation through Heartlift International
A reading from Sacred Scars by Dr Michelle Bankston Resting in God's promise that your past is not wasted, in chapter 12, scars remind us of what Jesus did for us. Do you have any physical scars on your body? Most likely you remember exactly how those scars came to be and where you were at the time. I have a scar above my left elbow from preschool immunizations. I have scars blotting multiple places on my legs from childhood surgeries and I have the accompanying emotional scars. I have stretch marks from childbirth. I also bear physical and emotional scars from when cancer was surgically removed. Their mere presence reminds me of the day I was initiated into a club I never wanted to join. A tiny, white, not-quite-round scar on the back of my right hand reminds me of rushing to prepare to host a friend's baby shower and burning my hand on a hot oven rack. Both the scars and the memories of the sights, smells and sounds of those moments remain.
Speaker 1:I previously viewed my scars with disdain, like my body had betrayed me Over time. The Lord gently corrected me, showing me that scars are actually evidence of healing of a trauma that damaged the body, mind or soul but has since been repaired. Many of our physical scars we now view as trivial, but we didn't at the time the injury occurred, and we have injuries now that are still in the process of healing, many of them non-physical and not visible. Healing from those internal wounds can be a battle because, unlike the autonomous process that our body used to heal physical wounds, internal, emotional, relational and spiritual wounds take conscious mental and emotional effort to heal.
Speaker 1:Battle scars are the tattoos of God's healing touch on our lives. If we will challenge our perspective, they can be a beautiful reminder of what God has done for us and how he has brought us through the pain of our past to the healing in our present. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and God deems us beautiful. Sacred scars and all. How beautiful you are, my darling. Oh, how beautiful. Song of Songs, chapter 1, verse 15.
Speaker 2:Today's episode is brought to you in full by Heart Lift International, a 501c3 dedicated to making home and family the safest, most secure place on earth. Learn how you can donate and support the podcast at heartliftcentralcom. Now settle in for today's remarkable conversation with Janelle. Wherever you find yourself today, may these words help you become stronger in every way these words help you become stronger in every way.
Speaker 1:Hello Heartlifters, and welcome to this long-awaited conversation with Dr Michelle Bankston about her newest book, sacred Scars. Resting in God's promise that your past is not wasted. Dr Michelle Bankston is an international speaker, a national and international media resource on mental health and the best-selling, award-winning podcast, your Hope-Filled Perspective. A board-certified clinical neuropsychologist in private practice for more than 20 years, dr Michelle blogs regularly and offers a wide variety of resources on her website on her website, drmichellebcom.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned on our last episode, I have a queue full of remarkable conversations. I have just gotten behind a one-woman show here, but doing my best, so I'm really happy to bring you this remarkable conversation with Michelle. She's a dear friend and someone I respect so much, and this book, sacred Scars, comes right from her own own sacred scars, and I'm really grateful to Michelle for being willing to offer us her vulnerability. I just admire her in so many ways and so settle in, get a cup of something delicious, maybe a pen and a journal, because Michelle's words are going to mark your heart in such a beautiful way. Please welcome Michelle back to the show. Dr Michelle, you are back with us. I'm excited to be back.
Speaker 1:I love having you here. I don't ever want you to go, I just want you to be here all the time, every week. Janelle and Michelle, that could be fun. That could be so helpful. You have this new book. Your last book is not far from being launched the Hem of His Garment. I read that one and wept because holy cow. And now this one I've read and wept more.
Speaker 2:But Sacred Scars.
Speaker 1:I mean I did. I don't know what to say. I'm a woman who is always in pain. No one really knows it, unless you're, my husband, who lives with me. You know I am always have pain and you have helped me. Your words right here says God shapes your scars and shapes you in the process. God shapes your scars and shapes you in the process. I mean we could go no further than just that, but I really did want to begin with. One of the primary messages or tenets, or whatever you want to say in this work that I'm trying to do in this community is that we can move through life with joy in one hand and sorrow in the other.
Speaker 3:Amen.
Speaker 1:And I don't know anybody on the planet who embodies that like you do, who embodies that like you do. I just want to pick your brain because I think it's hard.
Speaker 3:It is hard. It is hard especially because as humans we're so pain averse and we live in such a bending machine society. You know we just want to put in a quarter and be better. We do, you and I both.
Speaker 2:I would love that it's hard because there's such a vast array of opinions about healing.
Speaker 3:And if we're not careful we can get real religious about it.
Speaker 1:Tell me what you mean. I love it. Please tell me what you mean by that, because I know exactly what you're talking about. But just in case someone doesn't, we can get real religious. What does that mean?
Speaker 3:You know, through my pain journey, through my husband's pain journey, you know through my pain journey, through my husband's pain journey and let's just be general pain's not always physical. We can relate most to physical pain because we've all had it a sunburn or a broken tooth or a broken leg or whatever. So we all relate to physical pain. But the conversation would be really inadequate if we didn't also acknowledge that there's mental pain and emotional pain let's not forget about relational pain and there's spiritual pain. Then there's secondary pain, which is the pain that's inflicted by the words or actions of others that make us feel even worse in our pain.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, grief and loss, but and shame, so oh, and that's. Oh you just oh, that just elevated the pain to a whole new level.
Speaker 1:We're going to go there because you have a whole chapter on shame, and shame is definitely something I have fought my since age six probably, you know, or even in the utero. But yeah, okay, yeah.
Speaker 3:But we have people who, I really do believe, the majority of the time mean well, yes, it real religious, you know. You have those who, when they hear of a diagnosis, the first thing out of their mouth is you're already healed by his stripes. You are healed, and it and it sends the message to the person in pain that, well, you're doing something wrong, then what's your problem? We have those who say well, then it's all because you have unconfessed sin in your life.
Speaker 1:Oh, I've heard that so many times yes or you're not praying enough.
Speaker 3:But when I look at in the Bible especially, I spent two years in the book of Job and I didn't. I didn't like the book of Job when I started but I really have grown to appreciate Job because Job was one of two people that I found in the Bible who experienced every single one of those types of pain.
Speaker 1:Yes, he did.
Speaker 3:Very first verse in Job. Job 1.1 says that Job was blameless and upright before the Lord.
Speaker 1:One of the few in the scriptures. Yeah, that that's said about Correct. Yeah, Stop.
Speaker 2:and read it right now, stop and read Job 1.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:And you know, if you follow the story pretty quickly, you find out that Satan is basically roaming there looking for someone that he can just you know.
Speaker 1:Deseecrate. Isn't that crazy to think like and that's not an ancient tale. Oh, I know you do I know, I know that you do, and I have witnessed understanding. I think that God did give him permission to do this, like your story is so profound, so profound, you know, and so, yes, okay, so, as the story goes on.
Speaker 3:Here's God who says oh hey, have you considered my servant Job?
Speaker 1:Why would God do that, Michelle? Has God given you any insights on that?
Speaker 3:We don't grow in a comfortable life. No, we really don't. And we cannot really minister to others until we've gone through some muck ourselves. And if we really want to be Christ followers, we've got to be willing to bear some pain. And as bad as the pain is for both you and I and we know it's bad it doesn't compare to the beatings and the floggings and the thorns Christ went through on our behalf and I. When I look at the whole book of Job, that's kind of the conclusion I come to is that God said hey, have you considered my servant job? Because he knew that in the end Job would place where he's like. It was worth it, because now I know you so much more. I thought I knew you before God, but this suffering has taken me to such a place. Now I really know you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, k-n-o-w. Capital letters. Right, because when you take that word down, it's all about intimacy, isn't it? It's all about there's just nothing between me and God. Yeah, so you do believe that God knew, god knew Job would do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 3:He created Job.
Speaker 1:He breathed his capacities into Job. That's what I always go back down into Genesis 2 7, and I'm like, when I'm in my darkest place and I know you speak to this more than I can, but I'm like, okay, okay, if I really believe that you breathe your breath into me, then that means I have absolutely everything I need to press through this. Does that help? You know, sometimes last week we were also human. We're so human, yeah, absolutely Like we. Just before we started taping I was telling last week I was like I was done, like the pain was so bad, out of nowhere, like where on earth what just happened?
Speaker 3:You know, as humans, then I don't know if this has happened to you, but I suspect so, because I know you well enough, you know. Then our, our thoughts turn to but, but, Lord, I could be so much more effective for you if you would, but Lord, I could be so much more effective for you if you would take this pain away, without a doubt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, is that a primary Like I'd love to know. I mean, I have a million notes here for sure of where you say when it first happens, you're like what on earth, what on earth you know? But I think when you are a woman person in a ministry, vocational pursuit calling, you know that God has put that on your life and it's like, well, why on earth? You know it's the sidelining thing. Right, you're just going to sideline me. And as you're studying Job, I'm studying Elisha and working on some things around him because he's just I love him, because I'm crazy like Elisha, and I mean three years, god took him and laid him next to a brook.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and just this morning. That's where I am now studying that story.
Speaker 1:Okay, I want to hear your insights.
Speaker 3:But you know, we equate our worth and value too often with what we do, what we produce. I mean, I'm the first person, I will admit it.
Speaker 1:Highly accomplished woman.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm the first person, I will admit it, highly accomplished woman. But I think when God sidelines us, he's trying to get our attention to show us.
Speaker 3:you know that stuff that you do, that you think you're doing for me it's all good, but not when you sacrifice your relationship with me and when my life is going well and I don't feel under huge attack. It's real easy to go. I got this one, god. I'll let you know when I need you. Oh so good. I mean, that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but it's true.
Speaker 1:I said embarrassing. A hundred times last week I did this is just embarrassing. A hundred times last week I did I said this is just embarrassing. Now I have this and, as I said earlier to you, you know I'm going to all of these surgeons and doctors and they're like there's something wrong. So I know enough about trauma work to know I'm experiencing secondary trauma in the work that I do every day with my clients.
Speaker 3:And it's just time where my body's kept the score and said and I think you can relate to that in some way If you can be honest with us right now- yeah, 30 years of working with patients as a neuropsychologist and hearing their stories and even now you know hearing people respond to the podcast and what I write and they're heavy, heavy.
Speaker 1:Your books are heavy. Your books are not beach reads no, they're not, beatrice, no, they're not, but they're going to be classics, not the word I'm looking for. When I think of you, michelle, I think of Amy Carmichael. I don't know if you know who she is, but she was a missionary to India. She's really still my hero, amy Beatrice Carmichael, to this day, and the last 20 years of her life she was in bed because she had broke her ankle and it didn't heal and so she created her room of peace Talk about being and she writes a whole poem, beautiful things in her book, if and then.
Speaker 1:Just so many of her work on being sidelined. And my daughter got to visit her place, Donover Fellowship in India and went in and saw it and saw everything that I had raised her knowing about. And you know, one of the men that met Candace, was close to 80. And he was just, he had been raised in that place and he just said she look what she did the last 20 years. I'm 64. But why did he do that, like she says, why she feels he did that? Do you know? Do you know the reason? It's when she wrote. She wrote her legacy pieces. She was so productive, so ambitious, so I mean saving children from sex trafficking before that was a thing. And she just all she surmises is that, hmm, god really wanted me to write and leave a legacy of my pen, and so, therefore, she created her room of peace and there she sat and struggled and strived and struggled and wrestled with why, why, why, why, why. So I just think of you because I think what I have been privileged to read your books prior to ever. You know, I was privileged to know you, period.
Speaker 1:But there every sentence has something that makes you that arrest my heart, like just I'm going to read pain. This is just from the introduction Pain. You just start with that word, pain. There is pain all around us.
Speaker 1:If we aren't experiencing physical and you've said this emotional, relational or spiritual pain, now, we either recently have, we likely soon will, or we are walking along someone in the trenches who wonders if they will survive. For many, this world is a treacherous place and pain and sorrow seem daily on the horizon. There is no escaping the pain of this life until God calls us home. But here's your holy, huge, beautiful connector. There is hope in the waiting. There are lessons to be gleaned from the wilderness. There are promises we've seen, we've been given as a lifeline when no one else can offer assurances. Now I want to just revisit you, saying the religious responses that we can get. You don't do that. It may come even across as that in some ways, but you are giving us the deepest truth of all, the deepest truth. I have a feeling you have had nothing else to hold on to but a word from God. Is that a safe assumption?
Speaker 3:and it's hard because, even when you've been given a word by god, we're not always given the when or the how no and when the pain is so great that all you can do is cry in the nighttime hours when nobody sees it. Yeah, that's typically the real. Did I mishear you, god? Yeah, did I make that up? Yeah, did you forget that promise?
Speaker 2:you made to me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what I want people to know, though, you know, is that god is big enough to handle those questions. He certainly is. Oh, yes, he is big enough job, got to the point finally, where he's like what in the world? Why did you even let me be born?
Speaker 1:I've asked you I have this going to say that I'm laughing is my defense mechanism. So it's just, it's so not funny, it's so serious and so sobering. And your words in this book are sobering, but life giving in the fact that I almost wonder if that isn't the moment God waits for. I just don't even know. I know FB Meyer, one of my ancient, beautiful theologians, said you know, we get to the end of ourselves, we get to the beginning of God. Yes, and that is not for the faint or the weak. Yes, and that is not for the faint or the weak. And in my work I really have tried to reframe weak and weakness in this office. For sure, you know that strength has many faces and weakness is one of them.
Speaker 3:I mean. But it's only when we get to the point that we are so weak and we recognize I can't do this by myself, god goes good. I was waiting for that because I've got strength to give you. But as long as you think you can do it on your own, you're not going to reach out and hold my hand or touch the hem of my garment. I'm just waiting for you because God's not going to violate our free will. Last year, god told me that I was going to have to take a time of extended and the old me would have been like yeah well, um, I got things to get done. I don't think so.
Speaker 1:I got two books coming out Right.
Speaker 3:But I, but I knew, I just knew I better listen this time. And so this time my response was yes, sir, tell me what it looks like. And the funniest thing is, I was like well, how long are we talking? What am I allowed to do, what am I not allowed to do? Because you know, I'm a good rule follower. I need to make my checklist.
Speaker 3:Oh God's response. He's like that's on a need to know basis. Okay, I guess I don't need to know yet. I guess she'll tell me when I need to know what.
Speaker 1:I need to know, and this is just through your prayer life. Like I know, people are going. I don't know how Michelle hears from God and it was not an audible voice of God.
Speaker 3:It was not, and I would love to have that, but it was such. The only the best way I can come up with a description of it is like it was a holy whisper in my heart and first of all, I knew it wasn't me because the last thing I would willingly do is take a period of extended rest. I got ministry to do. I got books to write and podcasts to produce and speeches to speak.
Speaker 1:That word extended, it's just like start twitching.
Speaker 3:I'm thinking a couple of weeks. You know I've taken a sabbatical before. I've taken a one week sabbatical. I've taken a 10 day sabbatical. I've taken a two week sabbatical.
Speaker 1:Oh dear.
Speaker 3:I know, and even then I knew it was going to be extended many months, and even then I was like God, you, you. You do remember I have a book releasing that you gave me to write right.
Speaker 1:As if he doesn't that's on the horizon, as if he can't do all the heavy lifting.
Speaker 3:Yeah, wow so the books are written, not from a place. Janelle, I've arrived.
Speaker 1:No, they are not, and I know that's the absolute truth.
Speaker 3:I'm still in the trenches. And if you're in the trenches, I want you to know you're not alone, because that's what the enemy wants us to think. He wants to isolate us and get us to think we're all alone. Nobody understands, and if people knew you would be so ashamed of yourself.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, yes, let's talk about the shame for just a minute. I was going to go another direction, but the whole chapter you have on shame. Just how do you perceive shame, like we've been talking so much about perception.
Speaker 3:And I would love to crawl into your brilliant brain and see how you perceive shame, particularly in the role of how it plays out in our body and our mental state and our emotional state. So the whole premise behind sacred scars is that we will all go through something.
Speaker 3:Whether we perpetuate a mistake, whether we've sinned, whether we've said something, done something or it's been done to us, we will all go through something that wounds us in some way mentally, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, and in my years as a neuropsychologist, what I've heard so many people say is oh, I can't let anybody know about that, that would be too embarrassing, I'm too ashamed, that would be too embarrassing, I'm too ashamed.
Speaker 3:But then I also hear after that is but I'm not as important as so-and-so because I've got this wound in my past, or I don't get up and preach or teach when I've had an abortion or been sexually abused or been unfaithful to my spouse, you name it and what the enemy does is, first of all, he tempts us, and just like he did Adam and Eve, I mean, this has been going on since Genesis. Yeah, it's not new. It is not new, not a new tactic. But then when he does is then he comes around and then he shames us for it. Oh gosh, when it's like you were the one yeah, you were the one who convinced me to.
Speaker 1:He's like yeah, well let me give you my secondary tactic, of which has such power.
Speaker 3:And from shame comes fear and then isolation. Shame is that belief that we are a mistake. Yes, instead of the truth is we've made a mistake, that's right, that's it, that's it, and we've already been forgiven.
Speaker 1:That's the key. Is that it? That's it Like yeah, I think that's his greatest lie, the greatest last frontier you know, is truly forgiving ourselves.
Speaker 3:And what am I?
Speaker 1:forgiving myself from Believing the lie, forgiving myself for even being born, forgiving myself for being human, forgiving myself for being in a situation where others take advantage if I'd done this, maybe if I'd done that, you know, if I had, uh, I I've heard so many parents even say that who've lost a child, you know, by accident or something. Yeah, it's like boy, if I had just five minutes, those are really strong.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah shame, guilt, regret, fear, isolation, if we will take them to God and allow him to come in with his healing balm. You know, they can end up becoming such beautiful sacred scars and I call them sacred because they're almost holy when we allow God to heal the pain. And some people might be listening right now and saying, dr Michelle Janelle, you have no idea about my past.
Speaker 1:No, I think they are saying that how many times have I had?
Speaker 1:I know and I really hate that saying I hate it. I hate it with a passion. Like you have no idea. Well, I don't need to have an idea. Like I found myself almost saying it again this week. You just have no idea why. You know I'm, I'm. I would love to dive into that, but there's why I'm going to dive like Michelle. Why do we say that Like? Why? Why is that I'm going to dive Like Michelle? Why do we say that Like? Why is that? You have no idea? Like I've even said to God, you have no idea. He's like what the fuck do I?
Speaker 3:try to do, but in part it's because, I think, in part because we have been shamed for other experiences. Yeah, and so, and it's hurtful, and so we're trying to self-protect. Yeah, that's it. But the but there is another reason for it too, and that's very realistic. I've gone through cancer before, my husband has gone through cancer before, and yet when I hear of other people going through cancer, I have to remind myself it could even be the exact same kind, but I have no idea how it feels to them, how they are interpreting it how they are being perceived by their friends and family.
Speaker 3:So, even when we have similar experiences, our background and how we've been treated before impacts how we think we're going to be treated in the future. Because people will say things like well, now, if you just take this magic pill potion or pray this magic prayer, you would be better by now. Well, that's guilt and shame inducing.
Speaker 1:So awful, so worst thing you can say, yeah, it's really. If we can do one thing today, and it's a big, definitely a big passion and initiative for this year, is that a lot of people don't know what to say. Right with our mental and emotional health. We haven't been equipped. I didn't know. I mean, that's why you and I do what we do, it's why you write what you write, so that you can have the right things to say.
Speaker 1:And I always just go down to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice and just show up. Just show up. What brings greater joy than someone just showing up in the foyer of a hospital? They know you're struggling with a caregiver. I'm now speaking of my friend Cheryl. She would say do you need anything? No, I don't need anything, I'm fine. So she would just show up in the foyer of the hospital. She knew my mother was in and she'd just show up and give me a hug.
Speaker 1:I know you're not going to ask for help, so I'm just going to show up and I think that's the greater lesson here. You know, for someone like yourself who is in constant pain with constant things going, constant's the word, you know, it's just I mean, I don't know for me, I just want, I just hate it for you, like I would be Job's friend who shows up and goes this just sucks. I'm so sorry, excuse my language, but I don't know how else to say it. So I'm just going to sit here with you because I don't know. I don't know what else to do.
Speaker 3:But that's the beautiful contrast In the book of Job. When his friend showed up and sat with him in silence for a week, one week, a whole week, that was beautiful. That was saying we don't understand, we can't even relate. No, how could you? We want to be present. That was a beautiful gift. They didn't get in trouble until they started opening their mouths and telling Job about why he was going through this, what he should be doing now.
Speaker 1:But I'm sure they witnessed, like what the heck? Who would put this on you? What kind of God, what kind of God would put this on you? Okay, I have to ask you about this. I'm going to jump to this. One of the things you write in Sacred Scars is consent to give up the pain. Help me, what did you mean when you wrote that Consent to give up the pain? I believe it's in chapter four. You write about Lisa in the beginning. You're just going to have to get the book, cause I'm not going to read Lisa's story to you.
Speaker 3:It is a powerful story. So sacred scars isn't just my stories no, it is not in there but it is some really powerful stories about people who have been through the most horrendous things and yet when God comes in to heal, it becomes such a beautiful scar. That phrase, consent to heal is because sometimes we want to forget the pain, is because sometimes we want to forget the pain. We want to lock the door on a previous experience that was so horrendous Like we don't ever want to think about it again. We don't want other people to know about it. We don't want to revisit it, we just want to move forward. We want to be productive members of society and we want to have it all together. And even if we don't have it all together, we want to look like we have it all together. That's it. But we have to get to the place where we're willing to feel the pain in order to allow God to heal the pain.
Speaker 3:I experienced a life-threatening illness when I was three years old. Now I have physical deformity and that was one of the most embarrassing scars. If you will, I would hide it. I would wear clothes that would hide the deformity. I would wear shoes so that you couldn't tell that I have a deformed foot. It took almost 40 years before I broke down in my closet one day and just sobbed over it. Yeah, After I failed surgery, I thought. I thought this surgery was going to take care of the deformity and I was finally going to be whole.
Speaker 2:And as.
Speaker 3:I'm sobbing again. I didn't hear the audible voice of God, but it was that holy whisper that now we can deal with it. I was just waiting for you to bring it to me. I held on to that wound for 40 decades, wow, wow. Yeah, because the enemy's lies are so loud. No, I heard him, since I was three years old, saying you'll never be like everybody else, you're not as good as other people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was the voice that you were hearing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, comparison already at age three and four you can visibly and viscerally remember that that's amazing To get behind that Heart Left Rich, you're really going to have to read the Hem of His Garment and then, well, actually I kind of need to start in the beginning with Michelle's book to get the whole full story.
Speaker 1:The books, each one gives us a little bit more and I think that has helped me so, so much, because not only have I learned how to high function in my life, with a lot of childhood trauma and things church trauma, spiritual trauma, relational trauma just you know the work that I do and I think the community I serve and the clients I serve are all very high functioning people that have learned, like you said in my last book, stronger. Every Day I'm like let's just open the closet and let the skeletons out because they're not as scary as we think. Let's just have dinner with them, let's have them sit in the room with us. You know let's just do it because we do lock it away. You know that as a neuropsychiatrist, you know that.
Speaker 3:Neuropsychologist, you know that that there the body keeps the score and eventually it will speak the body keeps the score and eventually it will speak, and the problem is is that eventually is usually at a very inopportune time when you would not want it to come out.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:Some other kind of trauma or incident or pain point will trip the latch and that door will open, and then you'll be forced to deal with it and so that would be to start seeking healing now, even if it's just start now, so that you're more in control of how you deal with it and when.
Speaker 3:But locking that door, like Lisa did in Sacred Scars, not the answer, because at some point that door is going to come open, it will, and that pain is going to resurface and you're going to be like where did this come from?
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure. Yeah, like last week for me, like what on earth? Why am I crippling around? What on earth? And it does force you. If you're willing to yield and I think maybe we I really want to bring that point up you don't have to unlock the door, you don't have to. It is a choice.
Speaker 3:Well, that's why I say consent.
Speaker 1:That's why you say consent.
Speaker 3:That's exactly right. It is your choice.
Speaker 1:And why would we choose that? Tell us the benefits, like there are benefits. There are two things here. I don't want to gloss over the fact that you said start now, so I'll probably take a pause. Teach a little bit here, because what I'm hearing you say is almost preventative.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Preventative mental, emotional, relational, spiritual help, get some therapy, get spiritual direction, get in the word of God. I am spending a lot more time in nature because trauma heals through the senses. So I am feeling this renewed call and invitation personally to not only do an extended period of rest, like you, but to, you know, stop and smell the roses let's just say that to treat my senses with some love. And so I didn't want to gloss over that love. And so I didn't want to gloss over that because that's a preventative measure. And I will say you're absolutely right, because when that happened to me last week and I woke up Saturday with this, I couldn't walk, and the last time I felt that way again. But I had tools in my toolbox. I had stored preventative tools that I knew that I could go to. Is that what you're saying in that? In?
Speaker 3:part. Yes, but you know, sometimes those who are listening might be thinking but I don't know what to do. Yes, yes, but when I say start now, it's because when you choose, I'm going to pursue healing. I haven't wanted to look at this, it's been too painful. But when you choose, wanted to look at this. It's been too painful. But when you choose, you have a degree of control. But if you were to keep that door locked on that past pain, and then something else traumatic happens the loss of a loved one or the loss of your functioning that old pain is going to resurface and exacerbate the current pain. Right, and then you have even less control. And that's what's so difficult about pain is that we feel like we are not in control. I've tried everything and nothing is working to make this pain go away. So when I say start now, it's because you get the choice right now.
Speaker 3:And you can choose the pace right now, but if you put it off. It's going to be complicated and more painful and you'll feel even more out of control. Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:You're so wise. Is that why you say which I love this Teddy Roosevelt quote too but you say ask the one in the arena. I mean, there's just so many powerful directives here. And to me, what are you saying when you say ask the one in the arena? I just love that. That, I love that. That's a book, that's just so good.
Speaker 3:Ask the one in the arena. We all have friends and family and we've probably going out on a limb, but we probably all heard the statement. If you need anything, just let me know. Yeah, Can I tell you how many times I try to do it myself, but when I get into that emergency and I have no option but to reach out and ask for help, can I tell you there have been so many times when I've reached out to the person who said if you need anything.
Speaker 3:And when I reach out, they're like oh no, sorry, I can't help you with that one.
Speaker 3:Oh no, that complicates, oh, it's another that is adding the secondary pain to the physical or emotional or relational or what other kind of pain I'm already going through, yeah.
Speaker 3:So then the end lied to me and said see, going through. So then the enemy lied to me and said see, you can't depend on anyone. In truth, we cannot depend on anyone to be there all the time or to know what we need. They're going to react out of their own experiences and do and say what they think will be helpful, which sometimes it is, and sometimes it makes it worse. But when we call out to the one in the arena, the one who can help, who can see everybody who interacts with us and who can see what stumbling blocks there are to get down there and who can see what we've tried before before that didn't work, there's only one who will never fail, Only one. But I do believe he will put people in our path who can be a piece of our story, a piece of our healing, but the only one who can be a part of all of it is.
Speaker 1:But the only one who can be a part of all of it is, michelle, as we sadly have to bring this to a close because of a million other questions. But how can we be that person from where you have been in your journey I don't think you and I have talked about this but how can we be that person who can respond to you or to whoever that is that says I need some help. I need this right now, when you, when you spoke about that, your, your physical, this right and if you can't see me, you know just a real movement away from like the Job situations, like the really hard, like not again, michelle, you can't have something again wrong with you. I mean, that's just how I feel. I'm like, oh, I'm so embarrassed. I have more. Something else is now wrong with me. How can we be that person that moves towards an overwhelming situation in someone's life instead of moving away?
Speaker 3:We all have different giftings and capacities. Yeah, some cannot be the one to sit in a hospital room because it brings up too much of their own trauma. Yeah, some some are not the ones who are going to be the best at, you know, bringing the casserole and you don't. But I think if we first of all ask the Lord to show us, we can't go wrong, because he knows what the other person needs. And I think it's so important that we be present over worrying about being perfect. I would much rather someone just come and put their hand on my shoulder and be quiet, but it gives me additional strength to know that somebody's right there. Or I would love there have been people who have done this for me. They will text me in the morning and say I'm not sure what today holds for you, but I just want to pray for you. And they will pray right there in that text. That's lovely. I love that.
Speaker 3:And it almost always happens when I really need it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can't go on another minute.
Speaker 3:Or a friend who has said I will be there in the middle of the night Call me and of course I'm the one who doesn't want to bother anybody. I don't want to bother a soul, I know. But the fact that they would offer that lets me know I'm not alone, because that's the biggest thing I think. That makes pain so difficult is we feel so alone and we hear the enemy say I can't believe, you got something else wrong with you. People are going to get tired of hearing about it.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, amen, yes, oh yes.
Speaker 3:But then we have our Heavenly Father who says I'm just waiting for you to call out on my name. Yeah, so good. But we can be that person by being present. Yeah, if you are one who doesn't mind hospitals, be like Janelle's friend, show up and just give up.
Speaker 1:Two in there long. You know, show up with snacks and you know a blanket, because hospitals are cold, yeah, bring carbs ten dollars to go down and the gift shop, which is always a place of. I love hospital gift shops. I love the chapels. I just I've been them so many times, you know just left the university of virginia couple of weeks ago after some more testing and just sat in the chapel on the way out. Ok, here we are again.
Speaker 3:I like the photographer for my kids cross-country team who said I know what you're going through is really difficult and there's a lot of things I can't do, but if you will put your sheets out in a laundry basket Monday morning, I will return them folded in a laundry basket Monday night. You won't even have to answer the door.
Speaker 1:Oh, that gives me chills. That gives me chills.
Speaker 3:But when you're going through cancer or any kind of illness, you just want clean sheets. They just feel so good.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I can't change them right now because of my back, so I get it.
Speaker 3:But that was such a selfless gift. But she even respected that. Maybe we don't want to have to talk at the door.
Speaker 1:No, you're too much.
Speaker 3:But the other thing I just say here's something not to do, because we you know we could have a whole episode on things to do.
Speaker 1:And maybe we will next yeah.
Speaker 3:Don't. Don't ask too many questions. Yeah, dignisant of the fact that for every question you ask, your friend or family members probably got 50 other people asking three more questions. And I'm guilty of that when you're in pain it's exhausting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3:And we don't want to focus on the pain. So every time we have to be re-traumatized. You know, it's like it's making me focus on that, and in the hem of his garment. I talk about the fact that what you focus on grows. So the more you focus on your pain, the worse the pain is going to be and the less you focus on the fact that God just bloomed roses in your front yard for you today. You know so today. So in the, what can we do? Avoid asking questions?
Speaker 3:I now will send a text saying I understand that hubby is in the hospital today. You don't even have to answer this. I just want you to know I'm with you in spirit and I'm praying. And that gives them permission. You don't have to answer my texts because I know you already got 50 other texts that you have to answer Without a doubt for sure.
Speaker 1:So I can be very guilty of that and I appreciate you bringing that to the table. Okay, I'm going to close with this beautiful blessing in chapter four. It's not a blessing To me, it's a blessing. You write friend, which I love. You always say that, friend, I don't know what painful trial you currently face or what you've previously walked through. You write friend, which I love. You always say that, friend, I don't know what painful trial you currently face or what you've previously walked through, but my prayer is that you will feel the pain in order to heal it. I pray that you will take your pain to God and let him be your advocate, defender, healer and comforter.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, for healing to begin, it looks like letting go surrendering the pain for the healing on the other side. Let me encourage you. Okay, heartlifter, get real quiet. Let it go the offense. Let it go the offense. Let it go the pain. Let it go the right to be right. Let it go the argument. Let it go the dream for what should have been.
Speaker 1:That's really hard. Let it go the bitterness. Let it go the resentment. Let it go the unforgiveness, the unforgiveness. Let it go the desire for revenge. Let it go the vindication, let it go the shame, let it go the guilt and let it go the regret. Jesus already paid the price for you to live in freedom. Don't let the pain hold you hostage anymore. In exchange for your pain, god wants to give you good things Because he loves you. He has a plan for you, filled with hope and a future. Will you hold his hand and allow yourself to feel it so you can heal it? In Jesus' name, michelle, I don't know where you were when you wrote that, but that is divine from heaven. I love you very much and I thank you for who you are and who you are in my life. It blows my mind. Actually, your cards in my mailbox blow my mind. Thank you for being here today.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening today. Please meet Janelle over at HeartLift Central on Substack at HeartLift Central, where we can keep this remarkable conversation going. Please share today's episode with a friend and invite them to become stronger every day. Heartlifter, always remember this you have value, worth and dignity.
