Today's Heartlift with Janell
Sometimes the story we tell ourselves is not really true. Sometimes the story others tell about us is not really true. On "Today's Heartlift with Janell," Author, Trauma-informed, board-certified marriage and family specialist, and Professional Heartlifter, Janell Rardon, opens conversations about how emotional health and mental fitness effects absolutely every area of our lives. When we possess and practice healthy, strong, resilient emotional health practices, life is so much better. Read Janell's newest book, "Stronger Every Day: 9 Tools for an Emotionally Healthy You."
Today's Heartlift with Janell
312. Turning Down the Noise: Cultivating Emotional Health in an Overstimulated World with Sarah Boyd
Sarah Boyd, child development expert and author of "Turn Down the Noise: A Practical Guide to Building an Emotionally Healthy Family in a Chronically Overstimulated World," joins me for a profound conversation about building emotionally healthy families in our chronically overstimulated world. Despite increasing awareness about resilience and mental health, anxiety and depression rates among children continue to rise dramatically. Sarah offers a powerful reframe: what if these emotional struggles aren't the problem but symptoms of our overstimulating environment?
Sarah shares practical strategies for building emotional regulation capacity. "Interrupting the build-up" involves recognizing rising emotions before reaching the explosion point, then intentionally changing your state through simple actions like stepping outside or having an impromptu dance party. "Reframing" helps us actively reinterpret challenging situations through empowering questions.
Learn more about Sarah's book at Turn Down the Noise.
Learn more about Resilient Little Hearts and Sarah's children's book.
Order Janell's new collaborative book: Healthy Habits for the Home
Begin Your Heartlifter's Journey:
- Visit and subscribe to Heartlift Central on Substack. This is our new online coaching center and meeting place for Heartlifters worldwide.
- Download the "Overcoming Hurtful Words" Study Guide PDF: BECOMING EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY
- Meet me on Instagram: @janellrardon
- Leave a review and rate the podcast: WRITE A REVIEW
- Learn more about my books and work: Janell Rardon
- Make a tax-deductible donation through Heartlift International
As I've listened to the stories of thousands of women of all ages in all kinds of stages through the years, I've kept their stories locked in the vault of my heart. I feel as if they've been walking around with me all through these years. They've bothered me, they've prodded me and sometimes kept me up at night. Ultimately, they've increased my passion to reframe and reimagine the powerful positions of mother and matriarch within the family system. I'm a problem solver, so I set out to find a way to perhaps change the trajectory of this silent and sad scenario about a dynamic yet untapped source of potential and purpose sitting in our homes and churches. It is time to come to the table, heartlifters, and unleash the power of maternal presence into the world. Welcome to Mothering for the Ages, our 2025 theme. Here on today's Heartlift.
Speaker 1:I'm Janelle. I am your guide here on this heartlifting journey. I invite you to grab a pen, a journal and a cup of something really delicious. May today's conversation give you clarity, courage and a revived sense of camaraderie. You see, you're not on this journey alone. We are unified as heartlifters and committed to bringing change into the world, one heart at a time. Oh, heartlifters we are going down under today. I'm so excited we have with us Sarah Boyd. She is a writer, an entrepreneur and a child and adolescent developmental expert. Sarah, welcome to the show with your brand new book Turn Down the Noise Welcome.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to have this conversation. Thank you for getting up so early. It is a little bit early here in Australia at the moment.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, I am so thankful that your book came across my desk. Thank you to Tyndall Refresh for bringing it to me. I am just going to shout this book out to the entire world because, sarah, it is vitally necessary. So, sarah, the subtitle of your book is as invigorating as the title. A practical guide which we're all about nuts and bolts here to building the word placement. A practical guide to building an emotionally healthy family in a chronically overstimulated world. Well, that's what we're all about here in the Heart Lift community is emotional and spiritual health. Why this book? Why now?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's such a great question. I feel like in my work with families and parents who are raising kids of all unique temperaments and personalities and different needs, there's a lot in the conversation at the moment. People are bringing their expertise to talk about, maybe if there's been trauma in someone's background or maybe if there's been specific temperament or developmental issues, and I felt like what was missing from the conversation was a focus on the environment that we're living in and as you're probably aware, the rates of clinical anxiety and depression for children and adolescents has grown significantly in the past decade, and what I found confusing is that, as a generation and as a society, we are typically more educated on resilience and emotional health than ever before.
Speaker 2:There's more people talking about it, just like yourself. We're losing the stigma, potentially, of going to therapy, there's more individualized support, and yet the statistics are still going in the wrong direction. And so I suppose I wanted to offer another perspective, which is essentially, what if all of these emotions and these diagnoses and stuff aren't the problem, but they're rather symptoms of the problem? Because what if the environment that we're in is actually causing us not to thrive how we've been created to?
Speaker 1:So well said. So well said Because I like to call that the emotional atmosphere inside of the home and 13 years of private practice. Here, of course, I'm going to be dealing with people, family systems, that aren't, as we would say, securely attached. Like myself, I was insecure, avoidant attachment. My community is well aware of attachment theory and all of that, so I would try to help my clients understand. You know, when you were three and this was going on around you that's not normal Did you find that same? Like they would go? But I was only three, I was only six months old, I was only a five-year-old. You know, none of that would have affected me and I was just like profoundly gobsmacked is the word I know to say like just, but no, you have to understand that, that you're soaking that in, even if you aren't a highly sensitive child, which you write a lot about, thankfully. Did you notice that as well, that perhaps that understanding that these things really do affect us, the atmosphere.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's so true, because you think sometimes we don't have memories of that time in our life or it's you know, we think, oh, we were just children.
Speaker 2:I think when you come to understand child development and you really understand that the family of origin that you grew up in essentially defines what you believe is normal, and I don't think until you get to school age or teenage that you go and see other people's families and you think, hang on, hang on a second. They do things differently or their parent isn't like my parent.
Speaker 2:And you begin to have this awakening of what you thought was normal. I use the example sometimes. When my husband and I got married, I still remember the first time we went grocery shopping together, because even just the brand of milk, we thought was like milk, that's so appropriate. You know it was so different.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, and you've got to maneuver that and you've got to adjust and you make yes for sure. That's really a good example.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, so I think, particularly when it comes to emotional health, which is sometimes more invisible, I think for individuals who have gone through the trauma of physical abuse or other types of abuse that are more obvious to other people. I do feel like we're beginning to see individuals who have maybe gone through a family upbringing that wasn't emotionally healthy start to be able to see that with insight and obviously through your work, that's what you've been helping people do as well.
Speaker 1:As are you, Heartlifter. I want to take just a pause here to announce drumroll, please. The new collaborative book that I am involved with just launched this week Healthy Habits for the Home, Rooted in Rhythms. I wrote chapter one, the Emotional Air we Breathe. The Air we Breathe, and it has all to do with this emotional atmosphere, environment that Sarah and I are talking about today. We are in the Lenten season and we are focusing on mothering throughout this year, and so this chapter if you are kind of scratching your head and going, I really don't know what Janelle and Sarah are talking about. Like, what is she talking about when she says the environment that children are surrounded by? And then I added how I call it the emotional air that we breathe, the emotional atmosphere and how that deeply affects us as children and affects our development. And so I write a very candid, vulnerable story about my own journey in my family of origin in this chapter, and then I identify the four emotional errors, which are the secure attachment pieces.
Speaker 1:So if you're wondering, or perhaps know someone, or maybe even this would be great to give to the children's pastors at my church, please order your copy. Every penny of the sale of this book is going to support Heart Lift International, my non-profit, and that supports this podcast, which keeps us ad free. It is my goal to keep us ad free because I want to give you as much information as possible so you can go order this book. Order five, 10 copies. The book is so good and each chapter is rich and just weaves a beautiful theme of emotional health and wellness for family within it.
Speaker 1:We have Mother's Day coming up, we have Father's Day coming up, and I just think this would be a great resource to offer to anyone in the mothering, caregiving role, wherever that might be. Let's get back to my conversation with Sarah and so Turn Down. The Noise became this incredible outpouring. I think of the work you had been doing prior to that on Resilient Little Hearts. So just please tell all the mamas, all of us, mothers of all ages, phases and stages, about that incredible work that you're doing with Resilient Little Hearts.
Speaker 2:I'm so obsessed.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Yeah, I started Resilient Little Hearts as an educational company. I started it in I don't even know 2018, because I really saw that resilience and emotional health is one of the core needs that we want to train. It's absolutely everything, because as much as we, particularly as mamas, wish that we could just protect our children from everything they're going to go through, we can't. Could just protect our children from everything they're going to go through we can't. But one of the things that we can do is give them that solid foundation in a healthy relationship with us, teach them emotional coping skills, and so essentially, our work centers around both building attachment and connection with children and also us becoming healthier as parents in order to help facilitate their emotional health. So we cover all kinds of topics in parenting but, yeah, it's a joy to get to do that work.
Speaker 1:But in Turn Down the Noise, one of the things that I really love are illustrations, and you bring in very soon in the book this overstimulation iceberg. Now I mentioned to you before we got started. We're well aware in this community about overstimulation. We've had many, many guests talk to us about adults in the sense of how we can put down our phones, digital detox, all of those familiar topics. But you're honing in right in that intersection of what makes my heart beat and that would be having an emotionally healthy set of parents or caregiver or perhaps someone who's just operating in the maternal right this book that I'm currently working on there were a lot of women that were maternal and mothered without birthing their own children. So we all have this maternal presence in the world and it's very critical, I think, that the mother, that person operating in the maternal, be emotionally healthy. Yes, okay, and my journey was, I wasn't, so I have learned the hard way, but now we want to call back to younger women.
Speaker 2:I love that you share that, because it's actually not possible to build an emotionally healthy home if you don't yourself become an emotionally healthy parent. As much as we'd like to say, you do as I say and not as I do. Unfortunately, that's not how children work, and they are watching us more than they're listening to us. I wish they would listen more sometimes, but it really is who we are in the world and how we are managing ourselves and our environment. So I love your perspective on that.
Speaker 1:Well you share it, right. And so you bring in this overstimulation iceberg and when you have the book in your hands or on Kindle, heartlifters, it's on page 16. You're going to just learn so much because our mantra is always learning and always listening. So I want to read this and then I want to ask you some serious old questions about this iceberg, looking at the whole picture. This is what you write and this is what I love so much. Sure, this is what you write and this is what I love so much, because we have to look at the whole picture.
Speaker 1:Your passion for wholeness is so vital. Along with sensory input, overstimulation is also caused by a buildup of other noise underneath the surface. Imagine okay, all right, mamas, listen. Imagine it's 5 pm. Oh, we've been there. Many of you are there right now, and you're attempting to make dinner while simultaneously managing your children's needs a sensory input nightmare.
Speaker 1:And then you add any variety of additional circumstances. You didn't sleep the night before. We're talking to you, mama. You're stressed out about a financial situation. Been there, you just had a conversation with someone who made you really angry. On the other hand, this is it you. How would you feel in this same situation if you had had a good night of sleep, felt steady about your finances and just spent some time with one of your closest friends, someone who sees you, hears you, knows you, loves you and you know you belong. Overstimulation isn't just about the sensory input in a particular situation. It's also influenced by what's going on under the surface, and so I will, if you give permission, copy and paste a little picture of this for Instagram when it comes out, but please get the book, guys. So this overstimulation iceberg talk to me about this Sensory overwhelm. And then what's going on under the surface of everything is internal stress. How did you come up with this?
Speaker 2:Well, I think, because a lot of the time I view the explosions that we have as parents that we wish we didn't have. When we say the things we wish we didn't say, or we scream or whatever we have to repair, I see it as a volcano. And so you think of levels of a volcano. A lot of times we're only aware of the moment of explosion.
Speaker 2:We only become aware when we've said the wrong thing or just just before we say it, but actually it builds up a long time beforehand and it builds up through all of the stuff that's going on that we have to manage in our adult world, that our children are completely unaware of so unaware, yes, so we're dealing with the stresses, sleep deprivation, anything that's going on in our personal life, in our intimate relationships, in our friendships, all of that sort of stuff.
Speaker 2:Marriage, marriage, yes, 100% If you're working outside of the home work as well, and so all of this is underneath the surface, and so when you come into a high demand situation or a high sensory situation that in and of itself is overwhelming you come to it with something already, and so it's actually important to get a little bit of awareness about that, because a lot of times, parents feel a lot of guilt and shame about that moment of explosion or repression.
Speaker 1:I'm going to add that aspect because, as my heart lifters know, my husband and I were both raised in alcoholic homes where repression, repression, repression, and so you just don't ever use your voice. You just, you know, the only way is when you do have an explosion, and so that's what we're trying to do here is help mamas. Is it safe to say avoid an explosion, because you're going to have them? We're all human, but perhaps to really, as you write here, cultivate emotional co-regulation and maturity.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, 100%, we're still always going to have them. I also think it's important to know that we can reduce them and reduce the length of them, but also to have some awareness, because if you're just in a cycle all the time of like explosion or repression and then guilt and then I just promise I won't do it again with no awareness as to why it built to that point, you're really unequipped to do anything differently the next time. And so awareness matters a lot.
Speaker 1:It's the key, it's the beginning, right, awareness is the first step and then once you have awareness, you can't turn back. So it's like once you become aware, then you know better. That's how I say it. You know, you kind of know better, and so therefore you need to try to do better. So, in light of that, the first part of your book is beautiful. The first one two, three, four, five chapter is how loud is your world, the individual's world, the child's world, the parent's world, the state of the world? I love that. So, heartlifters, you get that. And and you read one through five, because I'm going right on to part two, where you talk about sorry, raising emotionally healthy children. How, please, add your voice to the conversation.
Speaker 1:Chapter six Listen you guys, this is so good. Chapter six self-regulation cultivating emotional maturity. Chapter seven co-regulation being your child's safe place. I just had a mom say to me yesterday how do I co-regulate her when I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Connection, building healthy attachment and then coping skills, giving children emotional tools. So let's go back to how do we cultivate our own emotional maturity, which then, right, leads us to being able to co-regulate and have our mirror neurons be able to be good mirror neurons going into the child.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's the biggest challenge of our lives. It's one of the hardest things about parenting.
Speaker 1:It is, and I didn't do it right. I made so many mistakes because I said, you know, my journey has been one of learning this while in the process of mothering. And so now that my children are all adult children ages 34, the twins and 38, you know, it's like we've had to go back and we still are in the midst of repairing. Sorry, we didn't know how to handle conflict, we didn't do repair correctly and we raised you in an evangelical mindset. So, oh my gosh, okay, so that's just my story. How, how do we cultivate this?
Speaker 2:I love that you share that, though, because I do think that we're all learning.
Speaker 2:I don't think we become emotionally mature until we're put in a situation of responsibility for other people because, responsibility and growth and accepting the reality of our lives and trying to do the best with what we've been given is essentially how maturity begins to grow, and so it does. You know, as you have your first child, or whether you're, like you said, you're in a maternal role in people's lives. It's not like you know, you suddenly have a child enter your life and you're instantly emotionally mature. It's not something that happens, that's good to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, essentially, though, self-regulation is our ability to control our emotional response in a moment so it doesn't negatively impact our relationships, our work, our health, all of that and then be able to know what to do with those emotions. So if you're in a meeting with a boss or a leader and they say something you don't like, self-regulation is the thing that stops you from saying exactly what you want, to say yes, but then, at the same time, being able to hold space for those same emotions later when, contextually, it's safer to do so and work through it. And in our own lives, self-regulation, neurologically, is actually really controlled by the part of our brain called the prefrontal cortex, and so that's the part of the brain that's involved in attention, memory, decision-making, emotional regulation, self-control, and that part of the brain doesn't reach complete maturity until young adulthood, so for some individuals it's up to 25 years old.
Speaker 1:Or older. Yeah, I was just listening again, like doing more research on it and thinking, okay, some, some it's close to 30, can even be a little older.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, okay, that lowers my expectations as a mom of adult children too, and offering a lot more patience and grace, and yeah, yeah I think it's so great, though, that you've, you know, gone in and researched that, because I know for myself, understanding that, exactly like you said, has given me a lot more patience and grace with my children. Because their prefrontal cortex is not developed. It only reaches foundational maturity at six or seven years old. Up to adolescence, again at 12 years old, there's another big growth, and so when we talk about self-regulation and co-regulation, they're the same process. Self is I'm doing it for myself, co-regulation is I'm helping my child do it until they develop self-regulation like perhaps a imperfect expectation for a young mama.
Speaker 1:When might that start swirling?
Speaker 2:around in that little one's prefrontal. So in terms of prefrontal cortex I would say definitely around seven years old. They learned to get a little bit more of a hold on their emotions. We're seeing a lessening of like tantrums and and that sort of.
Speaker 2:But interestingly, the first seven years of life are a high need for co-regulation for parents, and then it kind of not dips. It's not like they don't need you anymore, but it kind of dips in intensity until you hit adolescence. And adolescence is actually another stage where they're really needing that co-regulation with you again.
Speaker 1:It looks very different than it did with your mom.
Speaker 2:But they and those of you that are in that season or walked through that season, you'll know it they all of a sudden you feel like, oh, I need to be around, like I need to be here for them.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's good, I felt like I may be eight or nine year old and so it does kind of go in a bit of a u-shape um. But for ourself and for our children it really comes down to three things. The first one is our connected relationships. So the children, it's their relationships with us, it's for us. Do we have at least someone who's safe to talk to?
Speaker 2:yes, um yes secondly, that the boundaries and practices we have in our life like. Do we prioritize sleep? That's within our control. Yes, obviously with young ones we don't have control, but you know our health and our boundaries. And then, thirdly, is our, our level of strength and our emotional coping skills? Do we have tools to go to when things get hard? Do we know what things could help us? And so, essentially that's what I unpack in detail in that section of the book is how to kind of strengthen and build those three things.
Speaker 1:Okay, how do we build our capacity? I've been studying a lot about missing capacity, our capacity, and studying a lot about missing capacity just because of my own life and some others in my life. You know just there is a thing called missing capacity. You know, you didn't get it as a child and so therefore, you know, but we can get, we can grow our capacity. Like, how would you perhaps give us a couple ways that someone who is listening can go? Okay, I need to develop more capacity and co-regulating, or more capacity in my own self-regulation, which is just a tool or two. I know they're in the book, but yeah, no, so I go through.
Speaker 2:I think it's about eight tools in the book, um, in terms of like coping school skills, sorry, um, one of them is called reframing. So reframing is essentially your. Your situation hasn't changed, so there's nothing different about what you're in. But reframing is actively reinterpreting the meaning of your situation. So a lot of times we think our emotions just come from what we've gone through. Um, when I was 27 years old, I got diagnosed with cancer and it was one of those moments yeah, it was a one of those pivotal moments in my life where it came out of nowhere. I was still in young adulthood, so I was still in that naivety of life's going to be awesome for me.
Speaker 1:Right, I've got a long big life ahead. Yeah, wow.
Speaker 2:And it kind of came crashing in for me and I had 18 months of treatment and fatigue from the treatment, so my life was kind of on hold. Uh, treatment and fatigue from the treatment, so my life was kind of on hold. And in that situation as many situations that a lot of us go through I couldn't do anything to change it. It wasn't like I could just make a different decision and I wouldn't be in a situation. Did you have children at that time? No, it was before.
Speaker 2:Wow, wow, wow okay yeah, and so reframing is essentially looking at the same situation and asking yourself different questions Like what? What are some good things within this bad situation? What's the opportunity here, within this challenge, that I'm missing? What would I tell my best friend if they were in this situation? What can I acknowledge myself for managing this situation? And so reframing is a great emotional coping skill. I think we sometimes do it unconsciously, but sometimes when we get stuck in a negative or challenging situation.
Speaker 1:Very stuck. That's what I'd like to know. Yeah, I'm very, very stuck, sarah, so how do I unstick?
Speaker 2:Yes. You know, sometimes it's as simple as journaling and actually looking at those questions and writing the situation down and actually overtly looking at it in terms of, like, what is the meaning that I'm making about the situation? Is that meaning true? Is it helpful? Is it actually going to be empowering for me to move forward in the situation? And it's not about creating fake meaning, but it is about trying to see it from a different perspective. Helps us cognitively cope with hard things.
Speaker 1:Really hard things which there are really hard things in life In your overstimulation iceberg. I'll just say what's at the tip of the iceberg you have heat, time pressure, hunger, noise and crying. Okay, those are the things like when maybe we're perhaps at that 5 pm hour or we're at an escalated tantrum at the checkout counter. I can go on. You know that's heat, that's time pressure, that's hunger, that's noise, that's crying. Most stores now have really loud music on.
Speaker 1:There's just so much overstimulation in the world. But underneath the water, there with the internal stress, what you're saying is there may be some unresolved trauma, exhaustion, additional needs, stress from work or school We've said these emotional triggers, anxiety about the future health issue. Okay, all of those things are what you're talking about that come into us, into our fabric, and that we have to self-regulate into our fabric and that we have to self-regulate. So we have to have tools in our toolbox and one of those tools is reframing. What if I'm in a heated time and like a real stress time and I'm not really able to go? Well, let me just reframe this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of my favorite strategies for the moment is interrupt the build-up is what I call it oh yes, that's what I needed yes.
Speaker 2:So, again, going back to the analogy of the volcano, um, if you think about the moment of eruption, or when you kind of do the thing you don't want to do, as like a 10 out of 10, we want to start paying attention to when it's rising, because typically at the rising, like you said, you've got all that stuff under the surface. Also, in home, you've likely said you've likely held your patience with your toddler 10 times before it actually, you know, explodes. You've likely, like, held yourself for hours and hours and hours.
Speaker 2:Correct, essentially, what interrupt the build-up is is a strategy, um, where you actually stop yourself at a six or seven out of ten before you're actually at eruption and you specifically and intentionally do something to change your emotional state love this it's as simple as having a silly dance party in your kitchen, putting your kids in the pram and going out for a walk, locking yourself in the bathroom if your children are safe and just taking five minutes for yourself, yes, screaming into your pillow. Yes, One of my personal favorites in the summer is just like making sure my children are safe and just going and sitting in the car and turning the air conditioning on.
Speaker 1:That's so good. Exactly yes, and your children are nine and 11.
Speaker 2:So that's that's good, you can do that, for sure.
Speaker 1:But there are things you can do at all ages and making sure that they're safe for sure. I love that. I love the interrupt, the buildup. It's applicable to where I'm at in my life right now to increase my awareness. If you don't have awareness, start with awareness. But then I mean we can feel it, you know. We can feel it rising, every one of us can feel it.
Speaker 2:I feel like moms don't give themselves enough credit because as much as we feel that guilt for whenever we do the kind of quote-unquote wrong thing. We've held it together for a long time before that. Like mums, are so patient. Children have no idea how patient yeah I love that so much.
Speaker 1:You're just saying self-compassion here. Don't ring the bell. Yes, yes, Okay, I got this question off of the back of the book. It was a statement, not a question, but it just I have to ask you this why does our brain often lead to this overreaction we're talking about right now? Why does our brain often lead to overreaction in the hard parenting moments? Now the answer seems maybe simple, but I have a feeling you have something really wise to say to us.
Speaker 2:Well, I hope so. You do, I know you do. You're very kind.
Speaker 1:I know you do.
Speaker 2:It really comes back to what I was talking about before with the prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Because the thing that most people don't know about our prefrontal cortex is it's different to the rest of our brain. The rest of our brain, our limbic brain, you know, keeps our body alive and all of that sort of stuff. Think about that as a stable, steady car. It's the car you want to take cross-country on your long family trip. It's just stable, it doesn't take a lot of energy, but it also it's not fast moving. The prefrontal cortex can help you in the moment, like in the moment, make a really great decision in the moment, self-regulate and control yourself. But it also has a very short. It is like an energy sucker.
Speaker 2:So think about it like a race car it's the car that you want to like race a hundred meters and then it loses glucose and loses energy, and it can be restored again If you have some rest and some time all things that, as parents, we typically don't have a lot of.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:So that's part of the challenge with parenting is that we're using our prefrontal cortex to kind of manage our state, control ourselves, make good decisions for ourselves and our children, and it also you'll probably notice too I know for myself it's towards the end of the day, it's when we're exhausted. It's when our brain is lost, that it's like it's the hard moment. We've got nothing left.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so it actually has to do with when we understand that about our brain. It can be helpful for us, just as what you said before, to have some more self-care, to try to prioritize our own rest when we can, and even if the rest is not sleep. But just doing some activities that you enjoy.
Speaker 1:Feed your soul. Feed your soul.
Speaker 2:Parenting can just sometimes feel like a gauntlet of never-ending things to do.
Speaker 1:Never-ending cycle of now is what I used to teach. Yes, it is. The never ending cycle of now Never stops. Always now, right now, yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So right now job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when you do those things that fill your soul, it re-energizes your brain again and actually then gives you the capacity Cause I think most parents think about how you feel. When you've had a good night's sleep, you've had a great meal, you've hung out with people that you love. We're all the best version of ourselves.
Speaker 1:I'm the best version of myself when I'm alone after a massage and had a cup of coffee at a store by myself and I've journaled and done retail therapy. Yes, I'm the best version.
Speaker 2:But the amazing thing about it is is, as we practice that self-control and self-regulation, it builds our character and our capacity. So the more we do it, the more we grow into it and that's how we develop, I suppose, emotional maturity over time.
Speaker 1:Would you agree with this tenet that I seem to have this, because you just said it from zero to seven, and I would add, from conception in the time, in the oh, if a mama could get the vision, if the maternal caregiver and we're just talking about mamas and the maternal presence right now that's what I pound the table over, because I actually do think that it is the most critical aspect of the maturation of a child that they have to have a vision, like a mama has to know. This is the most important thing that I will ever do in my whole entire life. No matter what your aspirations are, no matter how much passion you have for changing the world, there really truly is nothing. What is that old saying the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world? There really is no greater function than giving a child the best foundation possible. Is that something that I can say? Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. I love the quote from Mother Teresa when she was asked how can I change the world? And she says go home and love your family.
Speaker 1:Yes, sorry, I'm trying to hold in my enthusiasm. And this was a maternal presence who had no children of her own. She was so mothering. Yeah, go home and love your children.
Speaker 2:Go home and love your children, because I think in our day to day and I love what you're talking about everyone is craving that maternal loving of grace, and of someone who thinks about them and cares about them and I love that vision element too, because I think, like you mentioned, it can be grueling like it is grueling, it's not, can be bothering for the long haul is.
Speaker 1:It takes a hero's journey.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know that vision like you kind of lose your why as to why you're being in all the work. So I think that vision of and having people like yourself reminding moms of it's important what we, what we do, matters because part of the challenge I I've my girlfriends and I joke, it's like the longest, long-term investment of your life because it's not until they're even adults that they really would even have capacity to say hey, that was really great what you did, mom.
Speaker 1:Oh, trust me, it's so nice when they do, though. The sweetest day ever.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, what you're getting is like you're the worst ever because you've set a boundary or you've done something else, and so you need other people's voices of encouragement. In that it's like oh no, I'm not the worst ever, I was just setting a boundary.
Speaker 1:You are not. Yes, you are actually being the greatest gift. Like you said, it may be until her 30s. Yes, it's a long wait.
Speaker 1:It is a long wait, you do get little glimmers along the way, as we say, right, little glimmers, little glimmers on Mother's Day and things. Well, sarah, before I let you go, there are just so many questions. I really sincerely I do this, say this a lot on the show, but you are just someone I feel like we could talk to and get so much wisdom from. So everyone, you must, must, must turn down the noise, get this book, please, and share it with young mamas, with mamas of all ages, anyone, because, quite honestly, sarah, I'm sitting here applying it to my marriage today I'm married 41 years, 40, almost 41, and newly retired husband.
Speaker 1:So he's home all the time, and so this is a massive part of our development. And so even today, you know, I had to catch myself at six and seven and go, oh, bring it down, bring it down, bring it down, let's interrupt. Let's interrupt this buildup. What do we need? I do want everyone to understand about the neuroscience of children's emotions, because I think it's super, super important. Well, first of all, did we even answer? Why does our brain often lead to overreaction in the hard parenting moments? Because of the buildup. That's what we said, right?
Speaker 2:Because I'll make sure.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm just so excited I'm getting lost. Sorry guys, you know me. What do we need to understand about the neuroscience of children's emotions? What do we need to understand about that in order, you say, to manage our own expectations to their reactions? I think that one question would you just develop a whole workshop or something around it, whole workshop or something around it?
Speaker 2:because I think that would help help. So much with misaligned expectation. Yes, I can. I completely agree, because sometimes we don't understand what's just normal develop what's normal for a three-year-old, what's? Why would we?
Speaker 1:we haven't studied it in college like you did in university.
Speaker 2:So yes, and then it freaks out. If we see aggression, we're like are they going to be on a netflix show in the future or are they? You know, have I?
Speaker 1:you know, done whatever a psychopath?
Speaker 2:I know it's not funny or a narcissist, or yeah, it's not funny, no, yeah, this is very serious. So I think one of the biggest things, the core things, is up until the age of seven, they haven't developed even like. 90% of brain development occurs between five to seven years, up to five to seven years old, and so under seven years old, children really do not have the neurological capacity to control their emotions so anything they're feeling, they just let it out.
Speaker 2:Um, some kids, you know, they they naturally, with their temperament, they don't want to let it out, but it's just there, it's kind of out. They haven't developed skills for that and I think that, in that, it's developmentally normal for toddlers to have tantrums, it's developmentally normal for tweens to backtalk, it's developmentally normal for teenagers to make decisions where they haven't thought through the consequences, and so it's not about us going well, it's normal. So just let them have it, because obviously our role is to come alongside them and guide them.
Speaker 2:So just let them have it, because obviously our role is to come alongside them and guide them. But coming to the situation of going oh, this is normal, my two-year-old is having tantrums all day. They didn't sleep it. There's nothing wrong with me as a parent, there's nothing wrong with my child, they're just a two-year-old. Really helps your own internal voice regulate of how you're going to then deal with it, as opposed to why won't you just stop? I've done everything right. I wish I've you know, I've given you love and and you're still tantruming.
Speaker 1:It's a different energy that you bring to then coming in and doing whatever you need to do in that situation yeah, and I think you would probably add it's typically normal for a toddler turning preschooler to be selfish and to not want to share, right, okay. So if there's a child that just perpetually is mine minds, I don't want to share any word of encouragement if they, if they don't want to share.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, lots and lots of children. Uh, go through that. Lots of children, particularly children. If they have a temperament that is a little bit more anxious too, they don't want anyone touching their things so I think it's nuanced as well.
Speaker 2:You, you know your own child. Um, firstly, I would say that kids, kids, grow up. There are a lot of things, and I mean you can speak to this so much, but there are a lot of things children just grow out of really, as they age and become more mature. Yes, um, so to you know, and our role as parents in that situation is teaching them, sharing. We share because we love one another.
Speaker 2:We share you know you bring your values to it and that your. I see that space as a sacred opportunity to get to disciple our children.
Speaker 1:Oh, you have that's beautiful. So say it again. Say it again, so good.
Speaker 2:I see that space as a sacred opportunity to disciple our children.
Speaker 1:It's really really beautiful Sarah.
Speaker 2:It's in those times where they're struggling or their behavior is, you know, immature because it is they're young, they're growing that we get to teach them what it means to be healthy, emotionally, spiritually mature people, and we get to do that in that space with them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you for normalizing that. I think normalizing that kind of behavior helps us not escalate in our own emotions. You know it's like I personalized everything you know, because personalization is one of my coping really unhealthy coping mechanisms Still working on that to this day. So you also write a whole lot about the sensitive child. So just any word, as we're really closing this time promise from the deepest part of my heart for the parent of a highly sensitive child that would have been me. I'm just very curious if you have one or two tools that you mentioned in the book that might service them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so high sensitivity is a trait or a temperament. It's not a medical diagnosis. I get that question a lot, so I just want to say that from the beginning it's not a medical diagnosis and essentially these children are deep processors.
Speaker 2:They have more sensitive nervous systems, they're creative, they're highly intelligent. They're typically asking deep, deep questions. The challenge of highly sensitive children, particularly when they're young, is that they have big emotional reactions to sensory and stress. Um, they become very frustrated and resistant in the transitions of the day, you know, like trying to get them out the door or trying to get them dressed or trying to get them to bed. They very anti doing what you need them to do, and I think they have a very critical and harsh inner voice and so parents often become a bit worried about them. Into their future, of like, are they going to be fearful? Are they going to be, you know, feeling like guilt and shame? With highly sensitive children, they really respond best when they have at least one person in their life that empathetically understands them.
Speaker 1:That's going to make me cry. It's so beautiful, and how does that look like? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:It looks like normalising their experience of the world. So, again, it's not about saying when they have the meltdown and when they have that, it's not about saying, hey, you can, it's fine for you to scream or hit or whatever it is that they do, but to start first in, because a lot of times they are so intelligent that they're hyper aware of what they're doing and many times with like with discipling these children. You don't even need to tell them you know other children sometimes they like have no idea that they're no clue.
Speaker 1:This is so good, sarah boyd um, highly sensitive children.
Speaker 2:They likely have already criticized themselves more than anything you could say as a parent. And so coming alongside them and gently saying hey, I can see that you had a really big day, or it was really hard for you or just saying that stuff first and normalizing them of like that you're not, that you're not deficient in any way, there's nothing wrong with how you experience the world. How you experience the world is normal, yeah, and and we don't boundaries.
Speaker 1:Let me teach you about boundaries as well. Yeah, why do you think transitions are hard in the day, like moving from you know, going out the door, going to bed? Is it normalize that for me? I'm very curious. I would have.
Speaker 2:Yes a lot of times they they get a picture in their head, an internal picture, of what they want to do, and they also don't like change. So visual routine charts can really help children, who are highly sensitive where you're showing them hey we, we are doing getting dressed, then we do this, then we do this as opposed to order a flow and order and flow, as opposed to they're just playing on the floor and you're like come on, we've got a quick time to go hustle used to say, yes, chop, chop.
Speaker 1:this is so good, sarah, I have worked you hard. I have worked you very, very hard. I tell you what you are a voice that is so needed and I thank you so hard. Please do something very kind for yourself today, because you have worked so hard to really help us understand, because you know what that knows how to self-regulate and manage their emotions and be healthy emotional beings. I think the future is dependent upon this. You know, I used to say it needed to be their spiritual journey, but I have come to learn in my older years that it's almost the flip like focus more on that emotional health and that emotional regulation, alongside of the development of them and the discipleship of them, because I know my generation, we bypassed a lot spiritually, bypassed it. So this is a word for now and I'm so grateful. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you so much. I've loved chatting with you.
Speaker 1:Heartlifter, I'm in tears. What a vital message for right now. No matter where you are in your mothering maternal presence journey, this is for you. We need to be emotionally healthy in order to become spiritually healthy, so I highly recommend Sarah's book. Sarah's book, Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast and head over to Substack Heart Lift Central so we can keep this conversation going Until next time.
